Stuck. between a rock, pointy thing and a hard place.

Well. it certainly pours when it rains...although, in my case it seems to be pouring all the time. I am so glad that August has ended finally and a new month has started - I hope this month is better than its predecessor.

I've become unemployed - and broke a personal record and was "let go" from 2 jobs in a single month! I can't barely count the times I've ever actually been let go, let alone twice in a month and that was certainly a shocker. The first was a corporate gig and I honestly think this poor man made a bad hiring mistake. I was his first helping hand to be hired - and he wanted me to overrule the 3 offices he had - more of a vice president than the "office manager/receptionist" position he had listed. I didn't have any of the required licensing or field experience as a broker and I think he thought that can be compensated via schooling - but really, experience can't be bought as we know - so we parted rather amicably even though this screwed up all of my plans.  Luckily, I got a part-time gig in a tiny gift shop I've been frequenting and then was promptly removed after training due to politics and some undue jealousy issues.... One I managed to befriend said I was overqualified and many of the staff felt that I would be the natural successor to management position ,which everyone was sort of hoping to get but not with me there. *boo*

I was told once that you should not hit to ground running in every job you do because if you outshine them all from the start they will turn and kick you out - you need to be smart about it - I'm clearly not a bright person when it comes to this sort of thing.... :(

My ego and esteem took a pretty hard hit and now I am, defeated.  I have made enough lemonades with the buckets of lemons poured onto me to last me several life times.
I wonder if I would have been better off to have stayed at a job that made me feel most unwanted but gave me a steady income than risk it all for something that seemed better.

I have spent so much time making everyone else rich for a small cut of the profit and while I wish I had my own, I am too much of a chicken to start anything of my own,  and I haven't a clue what I would do....and how would I fund myself during those first years?

 I just want to do what many take for granted; have a steady income and finally start a family with someone that loves me....and the opportunity has finally come knocking but I am not able to take it...

Why?

Because while I managed to find someone that loves me he's not in the same country and has hellova complicated history.  Communication is a barrier we can probably overcome with time but seeing that we're not even in the same country, living together and trying things out first isn't even an option....
I have good mind to pack it up and live there for a little while but what would I do to survive?  I have nothing but debt holding me here but it is enough to lock me down here...
Maybe that's an excuse? maybe I am just to selfish and scared to give up what little I have here, go there for a few months to try it out only to find that it doesn't work  than have to come back and try to restart myself from nothing again. I HATE RESTARTING , that is all I seem to have been doing.
I wish I had an answer....or someone to soundboard this off of...:(